End-of-summer blues

Don’t call your mama looking for sympathy.

That was the harsh lesson I got when I dared mention I was feeling the end-of-summer blues. After languid months of revolving doors with kids staying weeks at a time, friends visiting for sunny weekends, and one great last-hurrah Shabbat, with all the girls plus Bubbe cooking, eating, schmoozing before all go their separate ways, we were left alone, even the high-schooler away at a retreat.  I made the mistake of sighing to Mom about my birdies flying from the nest, only to hear back, “You think you’re empty?”

I felt an inexplicable pang of guilt for leaving home way back when. Apparently the wistfulness of empty nesters never goes away, even when kids left for college decades ago.

One of the toughest aspects of parenting at any age is simply letting go.

Get New Jersey Jewish News's Newsletter by email and never miss our top stories Free Sign Up

Maybe that’s why we irrationally over-invest in back-to-school shopping trips. I remember back-to-school shopping in the ’80s. Buying my Trapper Keeper and Snoopy lunchbox and Mr. Sketch smelly markers. Who needed perfume when you could just dab on a bit of blue raspberry? One trip did the trick, and as long as you had a writing implement and a notebook, you were good to go. Quite different from my own kids, for whom we got annual lists 100 items long. I remember scouring Amazing Savings and the dollar store first, but given the extensiveness and specificity of the teachers’ lists, there were always extra stops on the journey. This kid needed paper folders in four colors. That one required plastic folders in six. Who even knew where to get a white folder — nobody seems to carry that anymore. Did the pens really have to be in those colors?

Back-to-school sometimes seemed like a very boring scavenger hunt, traipsing from Target to Target, texting other moms when we found especially hard-to-find items, like an eight pack of Crayola markers, because apparently the 12 packs were too confusing for our little ones to handle. At some point, capitalism and the clever parent-teacher organization moms created a solution to this challenge, offering teacher-approved packages that would show up on the first day of school, for one not-so-low price and a small cut to the PTO. Sure, it was costing me 100 bucks a kid to buy their pencils and notebooks, but think of how much I was saving in gas and free time!

The pain of back-to-school shopping was offset in those years by my kids’ adorable faces in first-day-of-school photos. I was never one of those to make them hold the sign indicating what year in school, so now we have to piece it together using our best guesses or perhaps math from the picture’s date stamp. Now that my kids are older, heading off to Israel and college, the shopping seems just as esoteric and specific, just for different items. Who invented extra-long twin sheets for the sole purpose of college dorms? Who decided that shower caddies should be fashion items? How many stores must we visit to find the particular type of shampoo and face wash? Is it really possible that of the choices at this particular CVS or Target, they don’t have something that would be suitable? Does it really make sense to ship 20 pounds of toiletries across the ocean, when presumably people who live in the Holy Land also wash their faces? Inquiring minds want to know.

Performing the searches at least gives distraction from the upcoming departures. Parent magazines and blogs seem to provide advice for children’s separation anxiety and home sickness. No one ever talks about the real separation anxiety, the transition from the easy days of summer, where the toughest demand is applying their sunscreen or making sure we’re packing their lunches, to the school routine and the accompanying stress of must-do Quizlets and fitting in family time, dinner, bath, and reading in the wee hours between bus and bed. Of course we didn’t know how good we had it. Now I miss them even more as they pack their things to head off to college, not to be seen in person for months.

Child Number One lives on the Upper West Side. (Ok, we will definitely see her!) The whole family drove her home and stopped for fro-yo on the way. Our next birdie stuffed the minivan with her clothes and three sisters, cruising down the Jersey Turnpike to sophomore year. Next day three come to the El Al line, getting kicked out of the security area as they clung to a few last minutes together. Did she wear the Gap sweatshirt on purpose? By Sunday, we are down to two birdies, one road-tripping off to college with Dad, the other off to her retreat, driven by Mom. When she comes home, she’ll start practicing for the SATs, a sure sign that she, too, will soon be out of the nest.

In truth, what could be better for a mama bird than to see her fledglings flutter away? What better affirmation of all the years of work, the silly shopping and the packed evenings and the guidance and love we pour into our kids? Sending them off is what it is all about; there’s no better measure of parenting success than to produce a pack of capable, competent birdies who fly high and go far. I’ll be right here when they need a safe place to touch down.

Laura (Lori) Fein of Teaneck is a litigator at Eckert Seamans LLC. She is the daughter of the greatest mom ever, who she hopes is reading this, and the mom to five daughters who probably never will. Her podcast Mommash: The Oy and Joy of Family is available on all platforms, and she can be reached at mommash.podcast@gmail.com.