How Mom lives her values

Over the holidays I read several books on ways to live your values, identify values that are important to you, and find ways to live them out. This got me to thinking of my mom and the values that so exemplified her approach to life and raising her children. (Dad, of course, had his own approach, sharing and supporting mom’s but adding his own strengths. They made a great team!)

One aspect of my mom is her unflagging generosity. Throughout my life, I can hardly remember a time when she would let someone else pick up a tab. She might injure you in the fight over the check, but there is absolutely no way she will let her friends or her children pay. She is equally generous with her time, skills, and advice. She will always host events for many charities or social groups and always foot the bill. She will drive halfway across the state to give someone a lift home. And of course, no matter how old or independent they may be, you take them to their door and wait until they get inside! A couple of eligible suitors were dropped for violating this core value, but who needed them anyway?

To this day, nothing makes her happier than giving a present or shopping for her grandchildren. She often shows up with piles of dresses or random gifts, particularly if she knows a special preference. (Reminder to Mom: they’re over their turtle stage.) She loves to quote her own grandmother saying “get me mine pocketbook” and handing out dollar bills to her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Mom certainly held up the family standard and took it quite a bit further.

One of her greatest acts of generosity was creating an incredible home for my grandparents for their last 11 years. My grandfather suffered a spinal cord injury in his 70s, coinciding with when three out of the four of my siblings were in college or beyond. As the nest emptied, mom and dad gave up their own freedom to take care of her parents, both of whom were in wheelchairs and required around-the-clock care. I’ll save details for another column, but leave it to say it would be hard to imagine a more generous and loving example.

Another core value of my mom’s is showing appreciation, what today more people refer to as gratitude. In some ways, I think appreciation is a better term, because she elevates those around her not only by gratitude or thankfulness for what they do, but by her unique ability to notice and frame other people’s talents and contributions in a way that truly does make you appreciate them more.

The same goes for a more general appreciation of her surroundings. It is really a treat to go through a museum or row of shops and see my mom notice so many details about everything she sees. She knows the name of every flower and plant we might pass, appreciates all types of art, and will point out small vignettes or shop displays you might have missed. Her appreciation of human creativity, effort, and successes large and small exhibits an unending fount of curiosity and delight, a sense of wonder that goes beyond what we typically think of as gratitude.

Finally, no one tops my mom in bringing a sense of joy, play, and fun to life. Girls may all want to have fun, but not all view it as an ethical imperative. My mom has always loved to entertain, creating elaborate theme parties, get togethers, and Shabbat and holiday dinners that gather her community and develop deep bonds of friendship and mutual support. She doesn’t love to cook (put that in the category of things she appreciates about others) but she knows where to buy the best of everything, sets a magnificent table, and most important of all makes every guest feel loved and welcome, because they truly are. Nothing gives her more satisfaction than a home filled with happy company.

Growing up, she certainly was a fun mom, bringing us along to whatever caught her own fancy. Often these were museums or concerts, but I even remember her taking us multiple times to restaurants with live music on Saturday nights — I guess some people are so desperate to go out dancing with their husbands that they’ll even bring their four children along. The other patrons must have been thrilled.

With this kind of mom, it’s no wonder I view optimism as not only an outlook, but an obligation. Mom has always provided an incredible example of how to increase the positive energy in the world, of living the essential value of making the world better in your own unique ways. In the new year, I hope to double down on mom’s values and spread generosity, appreciation, and joy in all I do. To start, would anyone reading appreciate some turtle paperweights, pillows, wall hangings, and nightlights? I’ve got some joy to share, and I’m feeling generous.

Laura (Lori) Fein of Teaneck is a litigator at Eckert Seamans LLC. She is the daughter of the greatest mom ever, who she hopes is reading this, and the mom to five daughters who probably never will. Her podcast Mommash: The Oy and Joy of Family is available on all platforms, and she can be reached at mommash.podcast@gmail.com.

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