How to help siblings defuse the rivalry
Sibling rivalry and cooperation appear throughout the Torah.
The first brothers, Cain and Abel, compete to the death, Isaac and Ishmael are still fighting, and Jacob’s sons taught their sassy little brother a lesson that changed the course of history. On the other hand, Aaron, Miriam, and Moses save each other’s lives, divide responsibilities, and are models of filial support, showing the endless potential achieved by siblings who work together. Their cooperation is an aspirational model to emulate.
Several thousand years later, many of us still work hard cracking the code to get our kids to get along.
When my darlings were younger, #2 and #3 shared a room, with varying degrees of peace for mom and dad. Only 16 months apart in age, they were best of friends, playing dolls for hours and constructing elaborate stories together — when they weren’t ripping each other’s hair out, or digging their claws into each other with the ferocity of angry raccoons.
To be honest, that only happened a little. More often, they would bring their disputes to the Court of Mom, seeking redress and enforcement like a pair of activist attorneys fighting for Justice.
Like most parents, I really didn’t want to insert myself in their passionate disputes over who had stolen a Polly Pocket or “messed up” their room. In time, I developed my patented method for ditching this duty and encouraging my kids to resolve their issues themselves.
When they approached the bench, I would simply require that they state their case, and then repeat whatever they said. “She started it!” She says you started it. “But she took my doll without asking.” She says you took her doll without asking. “But she never asks when she takes my things.” She says you never ask when you take her things. And so on and on, as long as it took for them to give up in frustration and go work out their own solution. Soon enough, they learned to skip the court appearance and go straight to direct mediation between the parties.
I like to think that by being required to hear the other’s complaints, each developed greater empathy for each other’s point of view, and learned that listening is part of problem-solving. Certainly, they learned that resolving disputes yourself is much quicker and simpler than appeals to authority. They often worked out creative compromises I would never have considered, either because it seemed too imbalanced in favor of one or the other, or because I did not know the details of what each valued or would be willing to offer the other.
(To be honest, observing their negotiations has taught me much I use in settlement talks in my legal work.)
After one fight they couldn’t work out themselves, little sister called big sister mean names and uttered the dreaded, forbidden phrase, “I hate her!” The shock! This aggression could not stand. I delivered my usual lecture that your sisters are your greatest friends, your partners throughout your life, the best gift mom and dad ever could give you. I insisted that she really loved her sister, then required that she write down three specific things she loved about her and left her to her assignment.
A while later, little sister delivered. Except instead of three good things, she listed 29. Some were just sweet. “I love Margalit’s smile.” “Margalit is funny.” “Margalit is perfect.” I knew you really loved each other! Others showed big sister’s sense of responsibility. “Margalit makes me my breakfast.” “Margalit helps me with my homework.” “Margalit teaches me things.” Some are so poignant they make me kvell to this day. “Margalit tells me good things when I’m sad.” “Margalit ficksis my problems.” “Margalit helps me when I’m not feeling well.”
Altogether, the list prompted my own mom to ask me, And What Do YOU Do? My Lazy Mom defense: Who do you think taught all that to big sister?
Little sister is now a big girl, off to college, making her own breakfast and fixing her own problems. But the love and caring these sisters have for each other continues to endure, providing a sense of comfort and a genuine safety net that strengthens each one to this day.
Laura “Lori” Fein of Teaneck is a litigator at Eckert Seamans LLC. She is the daughter of the greatest mom ever, who she hopes is reading this, and the mom to five daughters who probably never will. Her podcast Mommash: The Oy and Joy of Family is available on all platforms, and she can be reached at mommash.podcast@gmail.com.
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