Please take it personally

Rabbi, I tend to get offended often. I take everything personally! How do I stop?

Never stop! Taking things personally might actually be the key to your success and fulfillment. So keep taking things personally — just do it the right way.

Usually, people take things personally because they assume others are intentionally wronging them. If someone ignores our call or doesn’t say hello, we get hurt and assume they have something against us.

The truth is, most of the time, people aren’t acting out of malice. They may be preoccupied, tired, or simply not thinking. More often than not, it is not about us, it is about them. When we realize that, we can stop taking things personally and instead give people the benefit of the doubt.

What is the right way to take things personally?

By recognizing that everything in our surroundings is divinely orchestrated, we understand that what comes our way is meant for us to influence.

For example, if we become aware that someone in our circle is struggling, whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually, it is because we have the ability to help. We can support, uplift, and inspire them.

Taking it personally means never saying, “This isn’t my problem” or “There’s nothing I can do.” If Hashem placed it in our path, it means we have a role to play.

Sixty years ago, at a Yud Shevat Farbrengen (chasidic gathering), the rebbe told a powerful story about an elder chasid, Reb Michoel.

“Just to give you a taste of who he was,” the rebbe said. “He taught at the Lubavitch Yeshiva, but when he became ill and could no longer teach, some suggested stopping his salary. The Rebbe Rashab responded, ‘Keep paying him. His very presence, just the students catching a glimpse of him as they pass by, is worth every penny of his salary.’”

When Reb Michoel taught his students, he emphasized the importance of engaging deeply with Torah. He illustrated this with the following metaphor.

In the shtetel, many of the locals were illiterate. Wanting their children to receive an education, they hired an outside melamed — a teacher. The teacher spent months instructing the children and became the town’s de facto scholar.

One day, a letter arrived for a local farmer. The farmer was unable to read, so he brought it to the melamed and listened as he read it aloud.

The letter contained tragic news. The farmer’s father had passed away. Overcome with grief, the farmer fainted on the spot.

Reb Michoel would then pose a question. Why did the melamed not react the same way? He read the letter first, yet he remained unaffected. Meanwhile, the farmer, who could not even read, was devastated by the news.

The answer is obvious. The melamed read about someone else’s father. It was information, not a personal reality. But for the farmer, it was his own father.

In the same way, the rebbe concluded, when we learn Torah or seek to help others, we must not view it as someone else’s responsibility. We must take it personally.

Back to your question: Hashem has gifted you with the ability to care deeply and take things to heart. Now, it is just about channeling that sensitivity in the right direction. Instead of allowing it to weigh you down, use it as motivation to lead a life of purpose.

Mendy Kaminker is the rabbi of Chabad of Hackensack and an editorial member of Chabad.org. He welcomes your comments at rabbi@ChabadHackensack.com

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