With a woof woof here

I got a text a few weeks ago from someone who praised me for conducting his grandmother Lauretta’s funeral, and then he added:

“Cantor, this is our slightly unorthodox (but very heartfelt) request: Would you be willing to be the surprise Cantor for our beloved dog Romeo’s Bark Mitzvah over Zoom?

“Yes, you read that correctly. Romeo, our four-legged lover boy, is coming of age, and we want to mark the occasion with the kind of spiritual gravitas only you can bring. We imagine a few prayers, maybe a heartfelt ‘Bark’chu,’ and ideally, an interpretation of Torah that Romeo can chew on — literally and figuratively.

“We know this is not your typical gig. But if anyone can deliver a Bark Mitzvah with soul, humor, and the perfect mix of reverence and ridiculousness, it’s you. Let us know if you’re in — we’ll handle the kippah logistics for Romeo.

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“Looking forward to your thoughts (and hopefully a divine ‘woof’ of approval).”

I read this out loud with my wife, Shelly, sitting in the den. We couldn’t stop laughing.

“C’mon now,” I thought. This was the ultimate joke. “A Bark Mitzvah??”

The concept of hosting  dog weddings, or the drop-ins at yappy hours, let alone a parody of a sacred Jewish coming-of-age ceremony, feels a bit weird. Okay, a lot weird. But then I thought, why not celebrate, Jewishly, the life of our loyal older dogs?

This ceremony not only honors the role of animals in our lives, it celebrates the bond between people and pets, and acknowledges a major Jewish value: the prohibition against causing unnecessary suffering to animals.

Our pets are companions, protectors, and members of our families, so it’s time to honor them with words of thanks and blessing.

Judaism teaches compassion for all of God’s creatures, so we began with the word Bark-chu. I explained that without the K, Barchu means let us bless, so by adding the letter K, we are still blessing, but we’ll do it with a woof.

I continued: “We gather on this Sabbath in gratitude and joy to bless Romeo, who shares your lives. Romeo is the ‘son’ of Kenneth Paul Wolf (the granddog of Lauretta) and Helaine Frances Golman Wolf, and he lives in in San Antonio. Romeo is a blonde Labradoodle, and with a name like Romeo, he has to be a lover (Shakespeare’s Romeo’s end wasn’t wonderful, but still…).

“He is the older dog brother to Rocky (a Sheepadoodle) and Rafiki (a Bernadoodle), and the younger brother to his human brothers: Micky, Benny, Jordan, and Gabe.”

For those of you reading this article with sneers on your faces, with disdain, remember that on the sixth day of creation, God created animals, alongside the creation of humans. Genesis 1:24-25: God commanded the earth to bring forth living creatures of every kind, including wild animals, domestic animals, and creeping things. And because God created them, he wouldn’t want them to be destroyed by the great flood, so along comes Noah and his ark.

Noah brought “two of every kind” of unclean animal (male and female), and seven pairs of clean animals and birds, Genesis 7:2-3 tells us. “Pairs of all creatures that have the breath of life in them came to Noah and entered the ark.”  Genesis 7:15. (A pair of dogs would have been on the ark).

I continued: “Let’s begin with another BARK-CHU (Blessed, woof, woof, Be He).

“Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha’olam, shekacha lo b’olamo.

“Blessed are You, Lord our God, Ruler of the Universe, who has such as these in His world.

“Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Sovereign of the universe, who has made all creatures with wisdom and filled the world with a diversity of life.

“We thank You, Lord, for the pets we love — for their companionship, playfulness, and loyalty.

“May we always be mindful of our responsibility to care for them with kindness and respect. And we all say

“Amen.”

I concluded with the poem “A Paw Print Blessing”
(With a Wag and a Wink ) — author unknown:

May your floors be forever furry,
Your clothes lined with love (and lint),
May your snacks always be protected
Unless you blink — or they sprint).
May your shoes be chew-resistant,
Your carpets spared the wrath,
May every walk be poop-free,
And every bath not end in a bloodbath.
May the paw prints on your heart
Never match those on the couch,
And may your pup’s zoomies spare your wine glass
(and your crotch).
Amen, awoo, and arf!

As we say in Yiddish, biz hundert un tsvantsik. Until 120, canine hara. And — what else? A huge “Muzzle tov!”