Sometimes, I really love Husband #1. Of course, there are also times that I want to strangle him, but we are trying to be positive because it almost Rosh Hashanah and etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. So, yes, sometimes I do really love Husband #1.
I will give you an example. When I am going on about a person or people who I feel have not acted in a manner akin to they way a human being should act, Husband #1 will say, “Banj, it’s almost Rosh Hashanah…maybe you shouldn’t be talking about them like that.” Of course this conversation could be happening in March, which is probably why I love him, because he is being funny. And, he is right, I really have to work on what I say about other people, even if I am right. (Yes, I am going to the place that is not heaven. What can you do?) So all year long, he has me rethink what I am about to say because it is “almost Rosh Hashanah.” Unless, of course, it was just Rosh Hashanah, and then he can say, with his adorable, sparkly eyed grin, “Banji, it’s almost Yom Kippur.”
Yes, he is a funny guy, that Husband #1. I cannot imagine that Husband #2 would be anywhere near as funny as #1, but God willing, I will never know. Though, speaking of replacement spouses, Husband #1 has my permission to remarry as soon as I am off to the place that isn’t heaven. Yes, you read it here first. Please make sure he gets remarried right away, because otherwise he will be walking around town with no clean clothes, and when all of the bulbs blow out in our house, he will need someone to change them. And buy his Fanta, donuts, orange juice, and cream cheese. I am not trying to embarrass him, God forbid. I just want all of my readers to see how deep my love and devotion for him is, and how worried I am about what will happen to him if something, God forbid, happens to me first. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Somehow, another year has passed, and it is almost Rosh Hashanah again. This is really the time when Husband #1 can say his line to me, almost every time I open my mouth. And Son #3 learns with me every night about the rules of what you can and cannot say about other people. Even to your spouse. That is what I don’t understand. If the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with, your “ride or die,” isn’t allowed to hear you vent, what are your options? How are you supposed to get the venom out of your system?
One of the things Son #3 and I learned together is that in extenuating circumstances, you are allowed to vent about another person or people. Now, I am all about the loopholes, so I have been running with this concept. Everything I want to say is all about making me feel better, getting it out of my system, and improving my mental health. Yes? No? Should I ask a rabbi about this? A priest? A therapist? I have no idea.
But Husband #1 is pretty much in a no-win situation because he has to hear all of it. Poor guy.
This is not going to be an easy holiday season for either of us. During this time of year, you pray for all the good stuff, for none of the bad stuff to happen, but it is what it is. I know that a lot of my past columns have delved into this topic, and I apologize for the redundant quality of my prose, but this is where I am right now. Years ago, I would be writing about surviving another baseball road trip, packing in garbage bags for my three adorable monkeys and their father, and reviewing the classy kosher establishments in the Midwest that have free refills. (For the record, free refills are never a good idea when you are traveling with little boys for oh-so-many reasons) but those trips are a thing of the past. And the present is filled with a whole new set of adventures.
Wishing all of you a happy and healthy new year. And if you need to vent about anyone, I am always here to listen, no matter when Rosh Hashanah is! (See how I brought that all together?)
Banji Ganchrow of Teaneck is currently bonding with Strudel, and that is her very favorite thing to do.