Happy new year!
If you are reading this, I thank you very much. As a middle child with low self-esteem, I am still surprised that anyone reads my column. Now, if you are someone who reads my column who does not enjoy when I lovingly mock my husband, you should stop reading now. Except for Husband #1, he has to read this because I read it to him, every week, before I submit it to my wonderful editor (and friend).
If you are a reader who enjoys the “all in good fun” banter, continue on.
You know the stories you read about those mothers who are able to lift up whole vehicles to save their children who are stuck underneath? They exhibit superhuman strength in order to save those whom they love. I would like you to keep those stories in mind for a few moments.
Last week, when I came home one night after an evening stroll, I heard muttering in the family room. “Honey, what’s wrong?” I ask, quite concerned.
“Have you watched TV lately?” Husband #1 asks me.
“No,” I respond. “I have been totally loyal to Netflix. What’s the matter with the TV?”
“It won’t turn on. The direct TV thing turns on, but I can’t find the black remote that turns the TV on. The kids probably were playing with it and now it is gone,” he retorts, with much anxiety and frustration and casting unwarranted blame on our adorable granddaughters.
“Did you look behind the TV for the remote?” I ask innocently.
I grab a flashlight and look behind what has become the Bermuda Triangle of things left on the piece of furniture that holds the television.
“I see a remote and it is black!” Wife #1 excitedly screams. “But I can’t reach it.”
I then try to move the beautiful cherrywood cabinet, but to no avail. I start taking off the decorative objects that adorn the piece of heavy furniture in order to make it lighter so I can try to move it away so I can get the remote so Husband #1’s panic attack doesn’t turn into something requiring Hatzolah, God forbid.
Do you see where this is going?
All of a sudden, displaying superhuman strength, Husband #1 moves the cherrywood cabinet about six inches away from the wall. What the what????
I have been lifting and shlepping and pushing and pulling things for 30 years, but to move something in order to get a remote control, that he can do?????????
I get the remote and ask Superman if it needs new batteries and then, like it never happened, he reverts back to Husband #1. “I dunno,” he states blankly.
I go get new batteries (they are in the chocolate drawer in the refrigerator, don’t ask) and put them in, all while Husband #1 is staring at me in heightened anticipation. The television turns on.
The room is now coated with dust bunnies that had accumulated in the Bermuda Triangle. The drawers from the cabinet are askew all over the carpet. The furniture is still six inches away from the wall. And Husband #1 is back sitting on the couch, leaving the cleaning lady to repair the damage he has caused because his precious television wasn’t turning on.
And all is back to the way it should be.
When I told Son #1 what happened, he couldn’t stop laughing. “Dad really did that? He moved the whole things? With the TV on it?” He was laughing so hard he almost dropped the phone.
Yup, Dad did that. The question is, will Dad be able to move it back? Without the fear of not being able to watch Sportcenter or Fox News, will he be able to move it back?
Well since it is Friday afternoon and Shabbos is coming and since he still hears his father’s voice in his head about making the house presentable for said Shabbos, I have a feeling and great confidence that his superhuman strength will return and he will be able to move the furniture back to its original resting place.
He won’t, however, know where any of the knicknacks go, or how to dust up the mess. (Don’t worry, that was poetic license, the room has already been dusted and vacuumed by the cleaning lady aka me.) But it certainly will be fun to watch….
Happy and healthy new year y’all!
Banji Ganchrow of Teaneck already has 28 pounds of other people’s stuff to bring to the Holy Land, so it’s good thing she only brings four articles of clothing for herself.
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