Where’s Melania? I haven’t seen her in many months. Are she and her Don Juan still together? I wouldn’t blame her for leaving him. She’s probably had more than enough. I mean, really! Just about every other candidate for president has a visible spouse. I’ve seen Mary Jo. I’ve seen Michael. I’ve seen Karen. I’ve seen Casey. I’ve seen Jill. And all the rest. But where in the world is Melania? She’s an invisible spouse. She surely didn’t return to Europe. So where is she hiding?
I remember, after the Donald’s inauguration, when she first became first lady, she dashed back to hanging out in New York, with some silly excuse, while he was already watching TV and flushing shredded secret documents down the toilet at the White House. One can only imagine that being married to him is dramatically more onerous than being a mere American, harder even than a gilded life in the White House.
My mother used to tell me not to marry for money. I listened — obviously! Maybe Melania’s mom never had that talk. She should have.
Certainly the womanizing stories can’t make her happy. The famous tapes. The Stormy bribery. And of course the incident in Bergdorf’s. And who knows if that’s the end of the tale. Somehow it’s hard to believe that it’s over. Unless, of course, he’s just too old. Too old to womanize. Too old to be president; 77 is just not a kid anymore. But, certainly, this slovenly man and his not slovenly but definitely Slovenian wife seem like they’re not mooning and spooning any more.
I’ve also noticed that the whole case with E. Jean Carroll is generating almost nothing at all in the press these days. You would think that a verdict of sexual molestation against a man running for president would remain on top of the news for a very long time, sort of like Monica Lewinsky or Mary Jo Kopechne, names and abuses that we will never forget. I mean, this case went to trial before a jury, and he was found guilty of defamation and sexual abuse. If that’s not a big deal, then I don’t recognize a big deal when I see it.
And yet it’s already almost not relevant. It’s merely a postscript in history. There’s so much bigger news. Badder. Worser. Shockinger. I mean this one didn’t even come with the possibility of 400 years in prison.
Do you want him for president?
Changing the stream, here’s another question for you. Have you ever seen a presidential toilet? Now you have! Did you expect it to look like what we’ve all seen on TV? Gold and crystal, hopelessly cheap looking, like a homeowner trying to show luxury and failing miserably in 1975. Déclassé all the way, Don.
And then that final bit of panache, the ultimate decorator touch, boxes of secret documents owned by us, We the People, piled high next to the toilet bowl by the hoarder in chief.
The other case that’s probably pending, but has faded in comparison with the latest charges, is January 6. You do remember that! But it has become a mere lightweight contender, clearly not the most sensational news. Maybe more will come if your government continues what Don and his fellow conspirators consider it to be, a baseless pursuit of an innocent, humble man. All he wanted only was the election results, for the presidency no less, to be turned in his favor. Which candidate wouldn’t want that?
Being a man of action, when he’s not perched in front of the TV eating Big Macs that is, he tried to make some changes to the election results. Was that such a bad thing to do?
So what a generation we’re living in, when a coup, a criminal attempt to overthrow our government, a hostile invasion of our Capitol building in our capital city, which resulted in actual deaths, injuries, and damage, an event that required our congressional officials to hide within the warrens of that sacrosanct structure when it was overtaken by brutes — thugs encouraged by our president — has become, well, just not that relevant. No big deal.
That bears repeating: the thugs were encouraged by our president, a man who had sworn to protect these United States and instead was the chief perpetrator, the architect, of an attempt to overthrow our Constitution and foment a civil war. That has also become a postscript. Unbelievably. Incredibly. Never in our history! But we’re still awaiting future steps. Maybe they’ll release the prisoner and try him on this scheme as well.
And let’s not forget Georgia is on my mind. We all heard Don’s chat with Brad to “find” some more votes.
Folks, I give you Donald J. Trump.
Have you ever noticed when Trump is about to spout a lie about a conversation in which he has taken part he calls himself Sir. He’s Sir Criminal, a guy who devotes his life to self-aggrandizement with no concerns or feelings for anyone else, who breaks the law with constant impunity but, nonetheless, he’s Sir.
Sir, I’ll make a deal with you, Sir, one ancient American to another. You step out of government forever and I’ll forget all about you and your crimes …veritably against mankind. Just go back to Mar-a-Lago (stay out of New Jersey’s Bedminster please) and we’ll call it a wrap.
And, oh yeah — take all your partners in crime with you. Take every Republican who is, truly ad nauseam, spewing your innocence in a vast roiling sea of cowardice and dishonesty. Take those misguided Jews too, self-serving people like Miller, Mnuchin, Ivanka, and Jared. Above all, they should have known better! And please, please, take the rest of your toady children. Just disappear from my TV screen so I can watch Netflix again. If you like, take a flight on Trump Air or a course at Trump University. But please, appease and leave!
Donald J. Trump, you have fomented, you have confronted us with threats to our existence as a nation, you have exposed our most trusted secrets, you have brought dishonor and hatred to our public squares, and indeed, even caused us to end friendships. You have sloppily packed our nation’s documents in boxes and stored them in gilt toilets, piled high on gaudy ballroom stages, and in your bedroom, the bedroom of the gonif in chief himself. I know. It is the making of a tawdry novel — but who in the world would ever believe it?
Donald J. Trump has brought us to the depths of our souls. Now we must return to the pursuit of liberty and justice for all, so that our country can once again be a beacon to the world. Ken yehi ratzon.
Thanks to so many of you for the lovely bagel-mail related to my recent column. We take our bagels seriously here in the Garden State.
Today’s opinion is more serious. Please feel free to write to me at email@example.com.
Rosanne Skopp of West Orange is a wife, mother of four, grandmother of 14, and great-grandmother of three. She is a graduate of Rutgers University and a dual citizen of the United States and Israel. She is a lifelong blogger, writing blogs before anyone knew what a blog was!