Post-holiday fodder

Post-holiday fodder

The holidays are over! Alert the media! We are back to our regularly scheduled programming, and it is almost starting to feel back to normal.

For some of us, back to normal means back to work or back to school. For others, it means getting back to whatever it was that they did before the holidays began. But whatever it is that you do, I hope you are happy to start doing it again, and that it will be a fulfilling and prosperous journey.

In my family, DIL #1 has recently started graduate school to become a physician’s assistant. We are all so very proud of her, and I have often referred to her as “the smartest Ganchrow.” Which she most certainly is. I like talking medical terms with her, because as the daughter of a doctor, I feel like I am also sort of a doctor. My mom used to refer to herself as “Dr. Kronkite,” as the wife of a doctor. At a young age, when I listened to my dad talk to patients on the phone, I could always tell when a woman had a urinary tract infection. Cranberry juice, ladies, drink lots of cranberry juice.

In any event, DIL #1 asked if she could practice her examination technique on me. She had a whole script that she had to memorize, and she needed a human to go over everything with. “Sure,” I said, with much genuine enthusiasm. As some of you know, if DIL #1 asked me to jump off a bridge wearing a Big Bird costume I would also say “sure.” So this other thing sounded pretty harmless.

She asked me to remove my eyeglasses and take an eye test. She soon learned the reason why I wear glasses. “Please cover your right eye and read the line the furthest down that you can see.” Well, for me, that ended up being the top line with the biggest letters, because without my glasses I really cannot see anything.

And then the piece de resistance. DIL #1 was required to take my blood pressure. I am not a huge fan of having my blood pressure taken, because I tend to run pretty high. I even had to take a 24 hour test once, just so they could determine that I had “white coat syndrome,” which is really a thing. I was pretty nervous about DIL #1 taking it, because she might think less of me if my pressure was really high.

So she took it, and it was normal, more or less — kind of just like me (the more or less part). I was so happy that she didn’t have to call 911, because that would have been embarrassing — probably more so than when she was checking my lymph nodes and I started giggling. (Yes, I giggle). My DIL #1 made me giggle — how adorable is that? I really am blessed, thank God.

But then I started thinking about what would happen if I had a daughter-in-law who decided to go into police work, and she asked me to help her use a lie detector machine. Can you imagine? “Ok mom, is it ok if I call you mom?” “Yes,” I reply. “Hey,” DIL says, “The machine says you are lying. Let’s try another question.” “That sounds like a great idea,” I reply. “Wait a second, the machine says that you are lying again.” And then it would really start to get testy.

Good thing there is no future in the interrogation field!

And my biggest fear, what happens if I had a d-i-l who was studying to become a nutritionist? “One of my assignments was to look through your pantry, just to do a baseline assessment of your nutritional needs.” That would not end well, for so many reasons. Especially when your pantry is filled with Fanta, Cherry Coke, and Lotus spread — the crunchy kind, which is so heavenly and delicious. It is the entire reason why I will not be walking my son down the aisle but instead waddling him, and that is only if I can fit next to him and Husband #1 at the same time in aisle. Ah yes, good times.

But back to DIL #1 and her practice examination. I give her an “A.” She was thorough, she asked her questions in a manner that was both professional and kind, and she didn’t hurt my rather large upper arms when she put the blood pressure cuff on — and she didn’t laugh at them either, at least not in front of me. Truth is, she is GD#1’s mommy and she can’t do anything wrong in my eyes at this point.

So there you go. Hope you’re back to normal is back to normal!

Banji Ganchrow of Teaneck just wants everyone to know that, God willing, Son #2 and DIL#2 are moving to Israel seven days after they get married. Seven days. So if you see a crying woman waddling around Teaneck eating Lotus spread — the crunchy kind — and muttering to herself, it’s her. Feel free to give her a hug, or some more Lotus spread.

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